Every ending, is also a beginning. I would like to believe that is true, as we embark on many changes in our lives. Even though David and I have been married a year and a half and we are both definitely not on our first marriage, nor are we in our younger years. However, buying a car together and now selling our house and buying a new one together…whoa. Those are big changes and huge decisions. I almost feel like an adult, even though I have done this before on my own. Doing it together though, that is a big deal. We are one equal unit as a couple, so it only makes sense to blend everything and make it our own. Together. That is truly, what it is all about, being together, being happy and being a family. Our beginning is continuing. The endings however, some are bittersweet. Like selling this house for example. There are some wonderful memories here; there are some not so wonderful memories here. This was my first home, my first “big girl” purchase aside from a vehicle. I have mixed emotions about it. Realistically this home is not going to be good enough in the long run for our family. We are combing families and moving Aunt Mary in with us. It also is older and not as accessible as I need it to be for my health issues, nor is it up to date in any way and I honestly do not have the energy to put into updating it. I would rather just sell it and buy up, then go through all of that mess and stress. I am sad to think about packing up and moving out of here though. I have always loved this area and have for the most part, loved living here. It will be strange to drive to a new home and not come home here. Home is where we make it though, so wherever we all are is going to be home. I am excited yet nervous about all of it. It will all work out as it is supposed to and when the time is right. I have faith in that.
The last few months have been hectic, as always. My grandmother came to visit in April for my birthday. That was wonderful having her here for two weeks. She was able to see all the babies and get to visit with mom, meet Aunt Mary and hang out with me. We had a very nice time and I am so glad she was able to make the trip. I always love spending time with her since it is not often, as we live so far away. I spent a lot of time with her as a child. I spent summers here in Indiana with her and my other grandma (I lived in Arizona until I was 20), and then she always flew out for Christmas every year. We always took special trips when I would come to visit and she would make sure I got to see family. She is amazing and I am proud to be her granddaughter.
After grandma left, it was time to get the house ready and we decided to put it on the market. In the month leading up to grandma’s visit, we had been cleaning out the house of junk and whatnot that had collected over the years. Took several weeks to get it all done, but we did it and it made painting much easier! Friends came over to help paint and it looks great! We put the house on the market on a Friday and by the next Friday had done nine showings. No bites yet, but I have faith the right person will come along who sees the potential in this place and wants to put the work into it to update it. We have found several homes we are looking at, one in particular I really like because it is ADA Handicapped accessible. It is an awesome house and is perfect for our needs. All of us. I am hopeful everything works out with that and trying not to stress too much.
David took me on a much-needed getaway, which was also an item on my bucket list. A trip to Gatlinburg and Pigeon Forge! It was so much fun. We stayed in a little resort in Townsend, TN with a beautiful view of the mountains. We went to most of the tourist attractions, but I have to say my favorite was Parrot Island and Garden of Eden, a bird sanctuary. They had gorgeous rescued birds of all shapes, sizes and colors. It was amazing to be able to interact with all of these gorgeous animals. I love birds and sadly Seven had passed away the week before. So, going there was like a nod to him in a way. I miss him terribly and am still very sad about his death. It should not have happened that day. He was supposed to live to be old with us. He now flies free over The Rainbow Bridge with all our other lost babies. Getting back to the subject…the trip was wonderful. It was 3 days jammed packed with riding in the car and checking out cool places like The Ripley’s Believe it or Not Museum and Aquarium. I can now check those off my bucket list! It was very sweet of David to surprise me with that, I needed it. I was having a hard time with some emotions, and he could sense that. He knows me so well.
As of late, my emotions have been getting the best of me. I think it is my decline in health again. My chest pains are returning and my breathing is getting worse again. I am more fatigued day by day…and have less and less energy. I hate to think that my IPAH may be progressing again, I was doing so well. I am hoping it is just all the businesses and not the latter. It is scary though, every minute. I do not talk about it much, I hate scaring my family. Plus, they immediately think I need to go to the hospital. I think I am ok. I could be wrong though. This disease is a bunch of crap to be completely honest. I have seen more PHriends die this year than last, and it’s not even June. Lives that have so much left, taken so soon. Moreover, after so much suffering. Some may not see it because we do not “look sick”, but we suffer. Trust me. When just taking a shower is almost pure agony because you can barely breathe and your legs and arms feel like concrete because you are obviously not getting enough oxygen throughout your body…that is not normal, that is pain and suffering. Getting dressed takes as much energy as working a full 8 hour day. Going on a simple trip leaves you so exhausted you feel like you are dying and you have a husband who feels guilty over it. That is suffering people. My husband should not feel guilty for taking me to a place I have always wanted to go, for going on an adventure with me. I am alive and I can do it now. I do not want to have not done it and regretted it. I will take a week of feeling like death for those few precious days. Nevertheless, thanks to this disease, he feels bad. None of us should ever feel guilty for living, but this stupid disease makes your body feel that way. You feel like everything you do is taking minutes off your life. Is it not? That is life, correct? Why is it so hard for us terminals? I am really trying to understand this. It is totally a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation. If I do not live, I will regret it, if I do, I pay dearly for it. That is not fair, and is causes suffering. I am tired of fighting off the “suffering” demon and tired of watching people I care about going through it. How much fight are we expected to have? How much are we truly expected to put up with?
People tell me I am the strongest person they know… but I feel so weak. I am not strong. I have to ask help with everything anymore. I have to almost be babysat at all times. How is that strong? Because I chose to live with it? I guess. I do not know why I am being so negative on this post; I guess I just have to get it all out there. These feelings are real and they are very hard to keep bottled up. You feel like you are going to explode at any minute. My heart already feels that way constantly…I do not need the emotions to do the same!!
Today I woke up,
I am thankful my feet hit the floor.
Yesterdays behind me now,
Today opens a new door.
To where I am not sure,
However, I know it is the right way.
How do I know?
Because I believe in what you say.
You say I will get through this,
So I continue to fight.
Even though I do not feel strong enough,
Nothing is taking my light.
I will never give up,
I will never go down.
I have this cross to bear
I will wear it like a crown.
Someday my beginning will end,
And my eyes will peacefully close.
Remember on that day,
That my life was lived, how I chose.
It does not matter if my illness took me,
Or I passed from old age.
“She never gave up”,
Is written at the end of my page.
N.B. 2015
phightlikeagirlnichole 
These verses came to mind reading the end of your post: 2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
It is ok to be weak. I struggle with health issues too. I am thankful it is not terminal. My heart goes out to you. I found encouragement in these verses. I too want to be strong, for me and my family. But remembering that my health issues does not take away my real strength, Him. And that being weak shows God’s glory, our reason for being. And it is ok to cry/talk about the frustration. Paul boasted in his weakness. Know I am praying for you and your family.
Thank you, Lydia. Those verses touched my heart, and I will always remember those now. Thank you for pointing them out. I may feel weak, but I know God sees me as a strong person and that’s why I was chosen to have this. I too find much encouragement in these verses. You are in my prayers as well.
My heart, my thoughts, and my prayers are with you and your family. I cannot begin to imagine what you are enduring. Nor can I imagine what David, your mom and the rest of your family is enduring. But I do know that God is present with each of you; always. Present in your joys and celebrations as well as your darkness and suffering. I am so glad that you feel comfortable opening up and being honest about your feelings. It’s important to release them, and as a result of your honesty we all know better what to pray for.
Thank you, Debb. You know, you do know, because you are close to me. You feel what they feel, maybe not on as a direct of a level as they do, but you get it. And because of that, you understand and are so supportive. I can’t thank you enough for what you have taught me through our years of knowing one another, especially as your student. You are truly a blessing to my life, and I can’t thank God enough for you and the wonderful woman you are. Thank you as always for praying for me, I need all I can get! Love you much!